A friend that I don't get along with is trying to throw a birthday bash for my husband - without me???

by jill
(Salt Lake City, Utah, USA)

My husband and I have had a fairly difficult relationship. There is a couple that we used to do everything with - socialize, vacation, etc. They are big spenders and big drinkers and always up for entertaining and partying. Without going into excruciating detail, my husband was considering filing for divorce, and our friends ditched me. It wasn't really that they overtly chose him, but I lost myself in a depression and he ran away - to party with them. He would spend all of his free time with them, sometimes staying out all night (at their house or with them), etc. When I started to take issue with it, he just lied about where he was going. Once, he even lied about when he was returning from a business trip so that he could party with them on a Friday night. My son and I happened to be driving nearby their house at the exact time that he was pulling into their cul de sac, after he had just hung up the phone with our son and told him that he would "be home in the morning - can't wait to see you!". Everyone stopped talking to me and I became an outsider. They threw huge parties, and I wasn't invited. Again, I don't want to go into too much detail, but I was not entirely innocent. I would find out about a party and show up, try to act normal, and then lose my cool. More than once, my husband and I ended up fighting - in front of them and sometimes in front of party guests. I called and texted my former girlfriend and angrily confronted her on more than one occasion. Things got really ugly. Over the last couple of months, however, my husband and I have "reconciled". We have been getting along amazingly well and our relationship has been fantastic - probably better than ever. But it's important to note that everyone has been very busy with family, vacations, work, and business travel. My husband's birthday is this week. This afternoon, he handed me his phone so that I could deal with a credit card issue. While on the phone, I saw a text came through from my former girlfriend. When I finished the call, I asked my husband to see the message. I discovered that she had sent out digital invitations and planned a birthday party for my husband - and a house full of friends - for Saturday night. I was not invited. I was furious!!! Because we are having company, my husband had already declined, but I am still furious. I called to confront her. Her husband answered the phone and I calmly told him how I felt about his wife's actions. Now I'm the bad guy. This is crazy! They call ME inappropriate!!! I don't care what has happened in the past, you can't have a married man be the guest of honor at a party and not invite his wife!!!!

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by: Ms P Etiquette

Hello Jill,

I am sorry for your past challenges and glad things are better at home. I think your husband solved the birthday party issue when he declined the invitation. Perhaps he did not tell you because he knew you would respond angrily. The party giver was certainly exhibiting poor manners when she excluded you from your husband's party. However, your call to her was unnecessary and also rude. It appears your husband made his own decision by declining the invitation. Please stop confronting others and look to yourself and your own behavior for a more peaceful life. You may have burned those bridges and so have your former friends. The best etiquette is for everyone involved to move on and let this go.

Take care,

Ms. Practical Etiquette

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