I could use some advice with my husbands 50th birthday request.

by RMC
(Las Vegas NV)

Dear Miss Manners,


My husband and I keep separate finances due to his past tax issues and poor credit. I am a successful business owner with two children from a previous marriage. I have many things to protect, so we agreed at the start of our marriage to keep seperate bank accounts. I have been covering his portion of our household expenses for several months now due to some unexpected slow times at work for him which resulted in a limited amount of income coming in. He also made some large real estate purchases that depleted all of his funds during this time. I was not aware or in agreement with any large purchases by the way. He does not consult with me on these things.

He owes me several thousand dollars for his share of our household expenses over the past few months. I am raising two children from a previous marriage and have also been carrying his share of our household bills. The total is approximately $10,000 that is owed to me.

I feel a lot of pressure and resentment to keep up with all this plus my obligations to my two children.

He will be turning 50 next month and is demanding that I throw him a big bash and has taken it upon himself to invite many family members from out of state. Most of his family has already purchased plane tickets and reserved hotel rooms and no arrangements have been made and invitations have never been extended by me. We are now expecting 30-40 people.

I am floored by this.

I offered to get a nice private room at a restaurant and pay for half of his party. My husband is adamant that we have a large catered event at our home with an open bar, music, rented tables etc. He says he only turns 50 once and I am being extremely selfish for not spending and planning immediately. The truth is, I feel used and feel as though this is a large unexpected expense in addition to the thousands of dollars I have covered on his behalf over the past several months.

I offered to do a nice weekend away with a few friends or have a private dinner at a restaurant, he refuses both ideas and insists on a big party at home which involves a caterer, bar tender, music, linens, tables etc..

I am very resentful and feel he should be more sensitive to my finances considering our situation over the past few months. Am I wrong here? Am I being selfish? He likes to impress his family with my success and I feel as though he is taking full advantage here. The fact all the people have booked rooms and flights makes me feel backed into a corner.

Feeling resentful and upset. Thank you for any insight.

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by: Dan

Dear RMC,

Trust your feelings. It appears your husband isn't holding up his end of the marriage bargain on more than one level. It also appears you cannot discuss this with any resolution. In the short run, protect your finances and your kids. For the long haul, marriage counseling may come in handy. Your husband seems to be your third child!

Good luck to you.
Ms. Practical Etiquette​

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That guy is a Bum!
by: Anonymous

Maybe I'm watching too much TV but it sounds to me like you have fallen prey to a bum who is also controlling you. If your finances are truly separate, how did he manage to "invest"? in real estate without your consent? I've been there and done that - once a long time ago. My advice, throw the party and, in the middle of the festivities, hand him his packed suitcases and tell him to get out. You and your kids deserve better. Good luck!

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