Family Wedding

by Apprehensive

I am a newly wed. My husband's sister is getting married in a couple months and has invited the last women he had sex with in the previous town they all lived in. He and I are incredibly uncomfortable with the idea, also considering this woman wasn't any thing serious for him, making her angry of course. He is surprised that his sister has even maintained a long distance friendship enough to invite her to her wedding? His sister has disrespected our marriage in the past on a number of occasions acting jealous, leaving me with anxiety even to this point. I feel sick to my stomach about having to attend her wedding and don't feel comfortable in large unpredictable social settings to begin with, neither does my husband. I don't intend to pursue a close relationship with her because of how abusive and controlling I've witnessed her to be. I can't be attacked or fear being attacked and rediculed by her or anyone for that matter and more or less just want to establish healthy boundaries with all people. I'm done being threatened, told what to do and pushed around by people and want to aquire that peacefully and respectfully for my life. I love my husband very much and it would rip me to pieces to be in the presence of this other woman when it was already going to be enough presure on me meeting the rest of his family. Trying to figure out what my question is? OK how about this: We are not sure what will harm us more, going to his sister's wedding or not? We feel at this point that we are not obligated to attend and feel a lack of consideration towards us. We wished she had just been a bit more considerate when making the guest list as we have worked hard to be forgiving towards her past 'urinations' on our marriage. We want to protect our marriage above all else! Thank you for your time in considering my (our) dilemma! Any response is most appreciated!

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Applying Etiquette
by: Ms P Etiquette

Dear Apprehensive,

Let's look at this from an etiquette perspective which will remove all the emotion involved. In order to find a solution, we need to stay detached a bit. Okay, an accepted rule for good manners is that one not make somone else uncomfortable by one's own actions. Using this rule, ask yourself if you can go to the wedding without feeling resentment toward the sister? There are a lot of actions, both spoken and silent, that go with a resentment. If you cannot go to help celebrate her wedding, then don't go. No one is wrong or bad or mean or abusive to anyone in this scenario. You just ask yourself the question and make your decision. If you choose not to go, you do not have to give a reason; it is poor manners for anyone to ask you, just decline the invitation.

I am so sorry your husband's family is uninviting toward your marriage. Perhaps it is time for your husband to take a closer look at his family. Protecting your own home and relationship is a lofty goal!

Good luck.

Ms. Practical Etiquette

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