Passive Agressive Neighbor

by Kaite
(Lima)

I have a neighbor who does all sorts of passive aggressive things. I rarely have the money to order restaurant food and when I do, it's a real treat. The problem is, she has a tendency to come down into the apartment lobby and hang around if she sees me waiting (I believe she knows my schedule and pay day better than I do). When she sees me get food, she follows me upstairs, talking all the way about this and that. I've politely interrupted to say, "Jessica, I am very hungry and I want to eat this fresh but I was taught not to eat in front of others, I really can't have you come in." She will simply ignore me and keep talking.


She once stopped dead in the middle of the lobby, stared at me as I opened the mailbox, put an envelope in my purse, and walked out the door. She followed me loudly saying, "Did you get a check? I'm out of toilet paper/out of food/did you want to go out to eat? Do you have a cigarette?" I don't want her to follow me because (obviously) I'm planning to cash a check and spend it on myself.

I could be smoking a cigarette outside at 2 in the morning and she'll pop right out the door and want to bum one. I could be gone all weekend and come home to find several notes shoved under my door that are increasingly "worried" and then "upset" that I'm not responding. She once called the apartment manager swearing something had happened to me and demanded that I tell her where I'm going so she won't worry. (Usually, if I'm going somewhere, she wants to go too). When I come home after a long day, she's pacing the lobby waiting on me and immediately follows me, asking for favors and how my day went and whether or not we can spend some time together. (I have VERY little alone time as I am working, going to school, taking care of my father, involved in church and part of two clubs).

I don't want to be outright rude, but anything I say falls on deaf ears. One time, I got so frustrated at having only 15 minutes to eat half my pizza while she wasn't leaving so I ate in front of her. She went on and on about how good it looked and how hungry she was and asked if I had an extra can of green beans - which she ate cold out of the can while talking about how good my food looked.

The kicker is that I know she is broke, doesn't have money for cigarettes or food, so I feel guilty. When she does get money, she asks me to walk to the store with her (if it's late, I feel like I have to, even after a long day) and she is very demanding that I IMMEDIATELY stop what I'm doing "because it's important". Of course, she then takes up to twenty minutes of going back and fourth to her apartment and mine, wanting to change her shoes, and checking and re-checking her door to see if it's locked. One day, I got sick of waiting and went back to my apartment and refused to answer the door. She was furious and I felt guilty

So yes, this neighbor is quite rude and it seems like I almost have to be rude in return because basic manners are not getting through to her.

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Nov 08, 2015
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The Nosey Neighbor
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your situation. One's home should be a soft spot into which one can retreat. In an apartment building, the boundaries of your home extend to the front door. You should expect the privacy and peace you seek upon entering the front. To have a neighbor such as yours paying such an inordinate amount of attention to you is alarming. Your past behavior sounds as if you have tried kindness but to no extent. This woman sounds mentally ill or at least completely unable to recognize and respond appropriately to obvious behavioral and verbal responses. In my opinion, if you truly want your privacy you must be very clear with her. A simple "That is private" or "I am not interested in talking with you" are difficult to misunderstand. At the same time you are not being rude. I highly disagree with the other reader who suggested you simply share your meals etc. for to do so would only encourage greater interaction. I would also react in a similar manner the next time your neighbor pushes notes under your door. "I am a capable professional woman who does not need to be looked after. Do not do this again." I would share this, verbally and in writing to the apartment manager so that in the future he does not invade your space at her request.

I am not unsympathetic to this poor woman. She needs mental counseling but that is not your role. Please be careful. If your situation escalates and management is unresponsive, you may need to consider moving. Good luck to you!

May 23, 2015
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The neighbor from hell
by: Sheridanpoo

The neighbor is stallking you! You shouldn't have to deal with this person on an ongoing basis! I agree with one post...she said 'put up boundaries'!

I have people in my life that smoke, and I will NOT give them money, because of that! That's a very expensive bad habit, go be a responsible smoker and buy your own! Get a job! I have to in supporting myself!

Who posted you were rude for not sharing your food is stupid! Oh is that rude? No one is perfect! The neighbor is a problem child! She puts notes under your door assuming your home and ignoring her??? What gives her the right to be your nightmare? You did not take her to raise!!! How does she pay rent?

I agree she's very lonely, maybe broke, but she has an address, which is what it takes to get a job!

I know I wouldn't of been as nice as you sweet girl! You do not owe the neighbor anything!

Jun 07, 2014
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Professional Help
by: Anonymous

More than being rude, your neighbor seems to have mental health issues. Your home is your sanctuary and you deserve to feel at peace there. I would discuss your concerns for privacy with your apartment manager in a polite manner. I would set for yourself clear cut social boundaries with your neighbor and never permit those boundaries to be crossed. Your home is not a charitable organization (unless you choose for it to be). There are other professional institutions you can point her to for help, like your church. It's ok to need and ask for alone time and to want to eat a warm meal. "Love thy neighbor" doesn't mean to let yourself feel harassed by your neighbor. Helping somebody doesn't mean handouts. Her problems sound deeper than that and she could use some professional guidance.

Apr 29, 2014
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Neighbor
by: Anonymous

If you KNOW she is broke and hungry, why don't you offer to SHARE your food with her? Eating in front of her like that was REALLY rude on your part. It seems like she doesn't come up while you're eating peanut butter sandwiches and applesauce, so she KNOWS you have an abundance while she has nothing. A little kindness goes a long way and if you can afford food once a week, cut it down to twice a week and like I said, SHARE!

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